Death is but a peaceful, beautiful passing an adventurous journey. Death brings peace and rids pain. Death is sad for those who feel left behind and relief for those who can't stay here any longer.
I know that my grandpa has made peace with the death and he is ready to travel on; however that doesn't make me any less sad to see him go... I can tell myself that "it is meant to be" "He will no longer be in pain" "this is what he wants" "he lived a fulfilling life" etc. But the deep sadness and loss doesn't go away. I didn't expect this to be this hard.
My grandfather is such an amazing man and I realize that life tends to get in the way of spending time with our elders... Hindsight is always 20/20 and it is always too late before we stop and reflect on the lack of time we make in our lives for those important to us.
"Time is precious" "You don't know what you have until it's gone" "Live for today, not tomorrow" - such stupid cliches each with such important meaning..... We hear these things so often that we forget why they are said in the first place.
My grandpa is stubborn and even in his adventure to death will not go easily. The hospice doesn't know how or why he is still alive. His pupils are now fixed and his body shutting down, but they have no idea why it is taking so long - I know why - Grandpa is always trying to surprise people and he is stubborn.
I have said my peace and so have Ron and the girls - but I know that once he has finally left us I will no doubt cry simply because the possibility of seeing him here on earth is no longer here.
I am thankful that he lived long enough for the girls to remember him. It is a sad struggle for Amber that she was so young when her grandpa Dave died. Memories are such an important part of life.
The other awakening for me is seeing a hospice/nursing home, so many sad faces, so many people that at one point were just like us - living life, raising kids, working jobs etc. I looked around and wondered - why aren't there more people visiting these folks... I wish that I could just go there and spend time with whomever is lonely... I also have a fear that someday it will be me, sitting alone in a wheelchair - desperately awaiting a visitor that doesn't come...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Goodbye Grandpa
I just got back from an interesting combination of activities. I went to the hospice and said goodbye to my grandpa. I am not sure what is harder...... saying goodbye after they are gone, or talking with them about the fact that they are going to die anytime.
My grandpa said "I tried to do everything right, I always tried to do the right thing," "Everybody has to die..... I am going to get to see a lot of people that have died; I have lost a lot of people". He asked me not to cry - I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry that my face was leaking on him... He told the girls that he loved pretty girls and that he would remember them always. Ron promised that he would forever take care of grandpa's ladies.
There were many tears - I have never seen my grandpa cry until today. Me - I hate crying especially when I can't stop it.... I am content that he will no longer be in pain, I just know how much I will miss his stubborn ways. What an amazing man..... We will love him always.. In the end we wished him a comfortable journey and a good trip. We promised that we would see him in a few decades when it is our time.
The irony of this trip to see grandpa is that we followed it by going to see my friend Traveler at the hearse convention. That felt pretty sick and twisted but we tried to have a good time. It was wild to see so many hearses in one place.
Traveler is so cool, she said that if Mallory needs a limousine for prom, Trav would drive her in the coolest limo in town - - her hearse..
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Things are very different - but great!!
OK - so it has been a while since blogging because things are hoppin! Here is the update:
The family - We have been having a fantastic time with the kids - we got an annual pass to the recreation center that has a huge pool and a great slide and diving boards. We are having a blast - Mallory and I are even working out while Ron, Tyler and Amber swim. We have been doing science projects at home as a family (not just the ones in the fridge). We have been growing crystals and planting an indoor garden. We also are amazed by our wonderful neighbors that feel like a second family. We do dinners together and frequently have cul-de-sac get-togethers that are just a blast. We feel so fortunate to be surrounded by such great people.
Mallory - She is meeting with her tutors this week, working hard on homework to pass the semester. She has her work cut out for her, but I am proud of her valiant efforts (without complaints). She is enjoying swimming as well - she does need a new swimsuit though - she has lost her top off of the diving board and her bottoms are practically see through... A couple of days a week she is working for my sister and brother in law - trying to save money to buy her own car since we have to sell hers to pay her medical bills. We would not be surviving this without them. They are such positive people and really have embraced the best of Mallory.
Amber - Amber is addicted to the water slide at the pool! It took 5 trips to the pool to get her to try it. Ron has an amazing relationship with her and has encouraged her to do some scary things (the water slide). AMBER EVEN JUMPED OFF THE DIVING BOARD! This is the kid that won't even ride a bike because it is too scary... Amber is blooming into a great little gal - she is excited to start volleyball again this season, swimming 3+ times per week, field trips every Friday this summer at camp and more.
Tyler - WOW! He is doing so well at school we couldn't be more proud. He plays outside with Amber everyday and has been enjoying his new motorized scooter. He is even attending school when he doesn't have to for extra credit. He did burn his arm in auto shop today on a motor - but he is fine. He amazes us every time he does his chores without being told, homework without being asked and just being a great kid all the way around.
Ron - Again WOW! I feel so fortunate to have Ron, he has embraced the kids like a Dad should. He is there to encourage them to do scary things, take them to appointments and love them in general. He is working a lot and keeping the house together while I am gone.
Me - I am in the middle of my statistics class, doing my internship which is going very well and work which is crazier than ever (of course - it is a mental hospital, so I guess it is normal.)
All in all - life is good amidst chaos...
Love you all!!
The family - We have been having a fantastic time with the kids - we got an annual pass to the recreation center that has a huge pool and a great slide and diving boards. We are having a blast - Mallory and I are even working out while Ron, Tyler and Amber swim. We have been doing science projects at home as a family (not just the ones in the fridge). We have been growing crystals and planting an indoor garden. We also are amazed by our wonderful neighbors that feel like a second family. We do dinners together and frequently have cul-de-sac get-togethers that are just a blast. We feel so fortunate to be surrounded by such great people.
Mallory - She is meeting with her tutors this week, working hard on homework to pass the semester. She has her work cut out for her, but I am proud of her valiant efforts (without complaints). She is enjoying swimming as well - she does need a new swimsuit though - she has lost her top off of the diving board and her bottoms are practically see through... A couple of days a week she is working for my sister and brother in law - trying to save money to buy her own car since we have to sell hers to pay her medical bills. We would not be surviving this without them. They are such positive people and really have embraced the best of Mallory.
Amber - Amber is addicted to the water slide at the pool! It took 5 trips to the pool to get her to try it. Ron has an amazing relationship with her and has encouraged her to do some scary things (the water slide). AMBER EVEN JUMPED OFF THE DIVING BOARD! This is the kid that won't even ride a bike because it is too scary... Amber is blooming into a great little gal - she is excited to start volleyball again this season, swimming 3+ times per week, field trips every Friday this summer at camp and more.
Tyler - WOW! He is doing so well at school we couldn't be more proud. He plays outside with Amber everyday and has been enjoying his new motorized scooter. He is even attending school when he doesn't have to for extra credit. He did burn his arm in auto shop today on a motor - but he is fine. He amazes us every time he does his chores without being told, homework without being asked and just being a great kid all the way around.
Ron - Again WOW! I feel so fortunate to have Ron, he has embraced the kids like a Dad should. He is there to encourage them to do scary things, take them to appointments and love them in general. He is working a lot and keeping the house together while I am gone.
Me - I am in the middle of my statistics class, doing my internship which is going very well and work which is crazier than ever (of course - it is a mental hospital, so I guess it is normal.)
All in all - life is good amidst chaos...
Love you all!!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Overwhelmed with Joy, Thanks and what now?
First and foremost - we would like to extend our heartfelt thank you to each and every one of you. We have not had time to call and personally talk with each of you - but given the time you are all on our list. We are so overwhelmed by the amount of help and support has been offered - it is amazing; we feel so fortunate.
In our time of need - our support system was shown and we still cannot believe the amount of love and kindness in the world from our closest friends, our extended family and even people we barely know. I found one supportive lady at the laundrymat when I was washing 24 loads of Mallory's clothes before she came home. Strange how good people show up out of nowhere when we need them.
Mallory is home and adjusting to her restrictions. She has been surprised at everything that is gone from her room, after we removed everything goth, dark, reference to suicide, reference to depression or just inappropriate in general - there wasn't much. We are asking ourselves why we allowed all of it to begin with... Unknowingly assisting her in slipping to what she calls the dark side.
We have decided with Amber that pink and yellow are the only colors allowed :)
Ron has arranged to work partially from home and his sister has been very kind in offering to hire Mallory part-time during the day to keep her occupied, supervised and allow her to save for a car, since Ron and I are selling hers to pay the medical bills.
We have had other rough developments that I will explain later in regards to Barry - tragic mistakes can lead to a lifetime of consequences...
In our time of need - our support system was shown and we still cannot believe the amount of love and kindness in the world from our closest friends, our extended family and even people we barely know. I found one supportive lady at the laundrymat when I was washing 24 loads of Mallory's clothes before she came home. Strange how good people show up out of nowhere when we need them.
Mallory is home and adjusting to her restrictions. She has been surprised at everything that is gone from her room, after we removed everything goth, dark, reference to suicide, reference to depression or just inappropriate in general - there wasn't much. We are asking ourselves why we allowed all of it to begin with... Unknowingly assisting her in slipping to what she calls the dark side.
We have decided with Amber that pink and yellow are the only colors allowed :)
Ron has arranged to work partially from home and his sister has been very kind in offering to hire Mallory part-time during the day to keep her occupied, supervised and allow her to save for a car, since Ron and I are selling hers to pay the medical bills.
We have had other rough developments that I will explain later in regards to Barry - tragic mistakes can lead to a lifetime of consequences...
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Recovery and Thanks
To all that have shown us love and support:
We cannot thank everyone enough for:
Things we appreciate and tend to get short tempered about (Not meant to sound bitchy):
In our world of hopeless health insurance they will not approve Mallory going into the 8 week residential treatment until (unless) she "fails" at intensive outpatient therapy - hopefully this time it will not end with additional permanent damage or death.
Mallory's restrictions when she comes home as set by her Doctor and Social Worker:
Mallorys treatment:
Mallory will go to Individual Therapy for 1 hour per week
Mallory will get 6 hours of Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will get 3 hours per week of Family Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will have random UA's and BA's to monitor her sobriety
And all of this will take place in Louisville Colorado (Over an hour away from home).
How do we plan to manage all of this? Ron is asking work if he can work from home for 12 weeks. Family and friends are working toward having Mallory stay with them during the day here and there (She can work for free and be helpful around the house...), Her Dad is also willing to take her to work with him (unless it is at a construction site-for god sakes).
Mallory's car will be sold to pay all of the medical bills which are already mounting. Not counting her upcoming treatment which will cost approximately $1,000+ per month.
Life as we knew it will be much different now - but if it saves our baby's life - it is worth more than anything in this world. Oh - and as we said everything has changed we even shaved her cat!!
We look forward to Mallory's progression and will never seek to find perfection...
We love you all!
Coni, Ron, Mallory, Amber, Tyler and Barry
We cannot thank everyone enough for:
- The love and kindness
- The understanding without judgment
- The meals and hugs
- The babysitting & helping Amber and Tyler understand that we didn't all desert them
- The kind comments that made us feel not alone
Things we appreciate and tend to get short tempered about (Not meant to sound bitchy):
- People not saying "it was a cry for help" because it wasn't - she was ready to die...
- People not telling us that her liver will heal - because it can't... this is progressive damage
- Advice, right now we are following the professionals advice as they have dealt and learned from thousands of adolescents, if that doesn't work we will ask for advice...
- People not saying that it was "just" pot - she has an uncontrollable addiction that led her to feel depressed and hopeless. If it wasn't pot it would have been something else. She has been putting the "pot band aid" on her wounds of depression.
In our world of hopeless health insurance they will not approve Mallory going into the 8 week residential treatment until (unless) she "fails" at intensive outpatient therapy - hopefully this time it will not end with additional permanent damage or death.
Mallory's restrictions when she comes home as set by her Doctor and Social Worker:
- No cell phone (for at least 6 months and even then; no texting)
- No Computer access without a parent actually watching (no MySpace, Facebook etc.)
- No friends over without parents in the room
- No phone calls without parents in the room
- She cannot leave the house without parents or be left anywhere without sober responsible adults.
Mallorys treatment:
Mallory will go to Individual Therapy for 1 hour per week
Mallory will get 6 hours of Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will get 3 hours per week of Family Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will have random UA's and BA's to monitor her sobriety
And all of this will take place in Louisville Colorado (Over an hour away from home).
How do we plan to manage all of this? Ron is asking work if he can work from home for 12 weeks. Family and friends are working toward having Mallory stay with them during the day here and there (She can work for free and be helpful around the house...), Her Dad is also willing to take her to work with him (unless it is at a construction site-for god sakes).
Mallory's car will be sold to pay all of the medical bills which are already mounting. Not counting her upcoming treatment which will cost approximately $1,000+ per month.
Life as we knew it will be much different now - but if it saves our baby's life - it is worth more than anything in this world. Oh - and as we said everything has changed we even shaved her cat!!
We look forward to Mallory's progression and will never seek to find perfection...
We love you all!
Coni, Ron, Mallory, Amber, Tyler and Barry
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I almost lost my baby...
For those of you that do not know - we almost lost Mallory the other night. She has been in the hospital all weekend after taking 11,000mg of tylenol. She didn't tell us she did it until about 8 hours after at which time she was gray weak and her skin was pasty... she was on her way to leaving us... It took many attempts to find out what was wrong with her and then when she told us - our world collapsed...
We got her to Swedish hospital at which time her pulse was averaging 40-48 beats per minute and her blood pressure was 80/40... again...... she was on her way... She had lost so much fluid that they were going to attempt an IV in her foot, but then got one into her arm. Unfortunately they had to run 2 IV lines at the same time - so in all she got 7 attempts and IV's this weekend.
She was transferred today to a psychiatric hospital in Louisville. She is on an involuntary hold - which means even as her parents - we can't bring her home.
We will be having her liver tested a lot in the next few weeks as her levels of enzymes are not right - they should be about 35 and hers are 90 (climbing from what they were yesterday - which is BAD). The bad news - if her liver continues to degenerate - there is nothing they can do... Which is the saddest part of all.
One of the saddest aspects of this is that she text-messaged 2 of her friends before taking the pills to say "good-bye, I love you and I am sorry, I am gonna die" - Both friends replied with "K"... Unbelievable! They came to see her at the hospital and I gave them an earful.
We are hoping for the best, but reality is reminding us to expect the worst.
I love you all so much - thank you for your support right now. I hope that we can help her live long enough to get through her teenage years.
We got her to Swedish hospital at which time her pulse was averaging 40-48 beats per minute and her blood pressure was 80/40... again...... she was on her way... She had lost so much fluid that they were going to attempt an IV in her foot, but then got one into her arm. Unfortunately they had to run 2 IV lines at the same time - so in all she got 7 attempts and IV's this weekend.
She was transferred today to a psychiatric hospital in Louisville. She is on an involuntary hold - which means even as her parents - we can't bring her home.
We will be having her liver tested a lot in the next few weeks as her levels of enzymes are not right - they should be about 35 and hers are 90 (climbing from what they were yesterday - which is BAD). The bad news - if her liver continues to degenerate - there is nothing they can do... Which is the saddest part of all.
One of the saddest aspects of this is that she text-messaged 2 of her friends before taking the pills to say "good-bye, I love you and I am sorry, I am gonna die" - Both friends replied with "K"... Unbelievable! They came to see her at the hospital and I gave them an earful.
We are hoping for the best, but reality is reminding us to expect the worst.
I love you all so much - thank you for your support right now. I hope that we can help her live long enough to get through her teenage years.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Trannis, Limits and Kids
I love birthdays - they are a great excuse to see and talk to people that you love and miss!!
Update on the adults (or so we are called)
Ron - Ron has been working hard on his truck - He is so amazing!!! He changed out his transmission in his truck last weekend in 5 hours (by himself)... It kind of pissed me off because the last time I took a car to the shop for a transmission it took them a week and they charged me for 30 hours of labor (Oh and like $1,600). It is so exciting to see his project truck change like a transformer!
Me - Well, I hit my limit!! 22 hours awake in a 24 hour day does horrible things to your body and your brain... I was trying to drive home from work and I COULDN'T keep the car in the lane no matter how hard I tried. I was crying from exhaustion and pulled over to make a call that I HAD to make that morning and when they asked me for my phone number I couldn't remember it. I had drank so much coffee that I was shaking and it took me 3 tries to dial the phone. I made it most of the way home and realized I had missed to street to get to my house, so I turned at the next street right in front of a car... Luckily I made it home safe, slept and still have only regained limited functioning... THAT is what I call "Hitting your limit" or "Having your limit hit you".
The kids -
Amber - she is such a doll, she got another 5 green behavior cards at school this week, I am guessing due to one of the following:
She has worked really hard to stay out of trouble
The medication she is on is really working well
or
The fact that she has a substitute teacher that doesn't know about the behavior card system...
I am also wondering when Amber will get a sense of style if any. She is defying the odds of the color wheel in every way possible. Either she goes to school wearing Mallory's clothes which makes her look like the little girl off of the move Little Miss Sunshine OR she looks like a homeless kid with layers of clothes that don't match (I am talking like mint green, red and electric blue). In addition, we can't convince her to wear a bra and her little buds are shining through her clothes. We decided that working on her wearing deodorant was more of a priority than the bra since she smells like a busy day at the gym most of the time.
Mallory - she is doing so well, we have had a great week. She has been keeping herself in control and it feels like there is a new "aura" in the house... I find it amazing that just one person in the house improving their attitude can do for everyone!
Tyler - he is so quiet and sweet. It is hard for us sometimes because he prefers to spend time alone.... We are trying to get him more involved in the family but he just kind of goes his own way. Ideas?
Update on the adults (or so we are called)
Ron - Ron has been working hard on his truck - He is so amazing!!! He changed out his transmission in his truck last weekend in 5 hours (by himself)... It kind of pissed me off because the last time I took a car to the shop for a transmission it took them a week and they charged me for 30 hours of labor (Oh and like $1,600). It is so exciting to see his project truck change like a transformer!
Me - Well, I hit my limit!! 22 hours awake in a 24 hour day does horrible things to your body and your brain... I was trying to drive home from work and I COULDN'T keep the car in the lane no matter how hard I tried. I was crying from exhaustion and pulled over to make a call that I HAD to make that morning and when they asked me for my phone number I couldn't remember it. I had drank so much coffee that I was shaking and it took me 3 tries to dial the phone. I made it most of the way home and realized I had missed to street to get to my house, so I turned at the next street right in front of a car... Luckily I made it home safe, slept and still have only regained limited functioning... THAT is what I call "Hitting your limit" or "Having your limit hit you".
The kids -
Amber - she is such a doll, she got another 5 green behavior cards at school this week, I am guessing due to one of the following:
She has worked really hard to stay out of trouble
The medication she is on is really working well
or
The fact that she has a substitute teacher that doesn't know about the behavior card system...
I am also wondering when Amber will get a sense of style if any. She is defying the odds of the color wheel in every way possible. Either she goes to school wearing Mallory's clothes which makes her look like the little girl off of the move Little Miss Sunshine OR she looks like a homeless kid with layers of clothes that don't match (I am talking like mint green, red and electric blue). In addition, we can't convince her to wear a bra and her little buds are shining through her clothes. We decided that working on her wearing deodorant was more of a priority than the bra since she smells like a busy day at the gym most of the time.
Mallory - she is doing so well, we have had a great week. She has been keeping herself in control and it feels like there is a new "aura" in the house... I find it amazing that just one person in the house improving their attitude can do for everyone!
Tyler - he is so quiet and sweet. It is hard for us sometimes because he prefers to spend time alone.... We are trying to get him more involved in the family but he just kind of goes his own way. Ideas?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Hannah Montana & Groundings
Today has been an interesting day...
I woke up at 9:00am on a Sunday to take Amber to see Hannah Montana in the theaters. I really thought that it would rank right up there with getting a colonic. It was in 3-D and yes, it was annoying and terrible.... However, seeing Amber jumping up and down giggling and screaming was worth every bit of the pain and torture (and the $30 the tickets cost - plus $12 in popcorn and a bucket of soda). What a sight, she was SO excited...
Right now I am sitting here listening to torture; no not Hannah Montana - Mallory screaming and crying because she is sick of being grounded. It is a four day weekend for her and she is miserable... God I hate being a mom sometimes. Of course, we never believed our parents when they said that grounding us hurt them as much as it did us...... now we know; grounding does hurt us as parents.
I am going to get to escape to work in the next 2 hours and I can't wait. The pain of listening to her cry is unbearable.
I woke up at 9:00am on a Sunday to take Amber to see Hannah Montana in the theaters. I really thought that it would rank right up there with getting a colonic. It was in 3-D and yes, it was annoying and terrible.... However, seeing Amber jumping up and down giggling and screaming was worth every bit of the pain and torture (and the $30 the tickets cost - plus $12 in popcorn and a bucket of soda). What a sight, she was SO excited...
Right now I am sitting here listening to torture; no not Hannah Montana - Mallory screaming and crying because she is sick of being grounded. It is a four day weekend for her and she is miserable... God I hate being a mom sometimes. Of course, we never believed our parents when they said that grounding us hurt them as much as it did us...... now we know; grounding does hurt us as parents.
I am going to get to escape to work in the next 2 hours and I can't wait. The pain of listening to her cry is unbearable.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Mallory's baby brother was born....
So an update to my last post. Mallory has 3 little siblings (possibly more that were adopted out years ago as she was).
She has 2 brothers - one was born yesterday...
She also has a sister
They are all under the age of 5.
I am feeling a little better - Mally was on cloud nine, I am still nervous that she is going to get hurt...
She has 2 brothers - one was born yesterday...
She also has a sister
They are all under the age of 5.
I am feeling a little better - Mally was on cloud nine, I am still nervous that she is going to get hurt...
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