Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I know that my grandpa has made peace with the death and he is ready to travel on; however that doesn't make me any less sad to see him go... I can tell myself that "it is meant to be" "He will no longer be in pain" "this is what he wants" "he lived a fulfilling life" etc. But the deep sadness and loss doesn't go away. I didn't expect this to be this hard.
My grandfather is such an amazing man and I realize that life tends to get in the way of spending time with our elders... Hindsight is always 20/20 and it is always too late before we stop and reflect on the lack of time we make in our lives for those important to us.
"Time is precious" "You don't know what you have until it's gone" "Live for today, not tomorrow" - such stupid cliches each with such important meaning..... We hear these things so often that we forget why they are said in the first place.
My grandpa is stubborn and even in his adventure to death will not go easily. The hospice doesn't know how or why he is still alive. His pupils are now fixed and his body shutting down, but they have no idea why it is taking so long - I know why - Grandpa is always trying to surprise people and he is stubborn.
I have said my peace and so have Ron and the girls - but I know that once he has finally left us I will no doubt cry simply because the possibility of seeing him here on earth is no longer here.
I am thankful that he lived long enough for the girls to remember him. It is a sad struggle for Amber that she was so young when her grandpa Dave died. Memories are such an important part of life.
The other awakening for me is seeing a hospice/nursing home, so many sad faces, so many people that at one point were just like us - living life, raising kids, working jobs etc. I looked around and wondered - why aren't there more people visiting these folks... I wish that I could just go there and spend time with whomever is lonely... I also have a fear that someday it will be me, sitting alone in a wheelchair - desperately awaiting a visitor that doesn't come...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I just got back from an interesting combination of activities. I went to the hospice and said goodbye to my grandpa. I am not sure what is harder...... saying goodbye after they are gone, or talking with them about the fact that they are going to die anytime.
My grandpa said "I tried to do everything right, I always tried to do the right thing," "Everybody has to die..... I am going to get to see a lot of people that have died; I have lost a lot of people". He asked me not to cry - I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry that my face was leaking on him... He told the girls that he loved pretty girls and that he would remember them always. Ron promised that he would forever take care of grandpa's ladies.
There were many tears - I have never seen my grandpa cry until today. Me - I hate crying especially when I can't stop it.... I am content that he will no longer be in pain, I just know how much I will miss his stubborn ways. What an amazing man..... We will love him always.. In the end we wished him a comfortable journey and a good trip. We promised that we would see him in a few decades when it is our time.
The irony of this trip to see grandpa is that we followed it by going to see my friend Traveler at the hearse convention. That felt pretty sick and twisted but we tried to have a good time. It was wild to see so many hearses in one place.
Traveler is so cool, she said that if Mallory needs a limousine for prom, Trav would drive her in the coolest limo in town - - her hearse..