This site is dedicated to my ever loving bratty children, my tolerant husband and well to my friends who support me in so many ways even when we don't speak for years. Cheers - to the beautiful and not so beautiful passings in our lives. In other words - those moments when life is painful and all you can do is laugh until you cry (or pee)!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Ron has another new truck - I am insane

OK so here it is - When I awoke Thursday Ron informed me with that little kid that just found a new toy smile that he had bought another truck. Ron works hard, generally isn't crazy and does a lot for the family so I figured - NO BIG DEAL..... Well, that was until he told me that he needed to tow it home........ here we go again....

So he rented a tow dolly from U-Haul and we drove to Loveland yesterday to pick it up, we actually hauled it with a Toyota Tacoma (a fairly small truck) which Ron informed me wouldn't be a problem since the new truck didn't weigh very much... I was afraid to ask "why"...

Then I am thinking - where are we going to put this thing???? Of course like any other redneck hillbilly - IN THE BACKYARD. So I try to find the bright side of this - we can use the bed of it as a swimming pool or I could plant flowers in it - to make it less of an eye sore........ then I am told "No there isn't a truck bed"..... HMMM We already have tires to sit on in the back yard like every good hillbilly does so maybe we can add the seats from the truck; then I am told "No there aren't any seats". So then I start thinking that it must have a hood - that could be used for shade until I am told "there isn't a hood".

At this point I am totally baffled as to WHAT can be done with this new truck........ HERE ARE A COUPLE OF PHOTOS of course taken with it's best sides showing:

OK - so I love my husband and I know he is somewhat of a "Mad Scientist" when it comes to cars but THIS is by far the weirdest purchase. Of course, he is SUPER excited because it only cost him $250.... I am thinking we got ripped off and that it would be more fun to light it on fire for the 4th of July. But I was told "NO" by my psychotic but cute husband......

So I am open to suggestions of what can be done with the beast in my backyard to make it less of an eye sore, here are some other suggestions I came up with:

Cover it with astroturf - of course that won't plend with the brown weeds in the back-yard
Plant roses in it - however, this would draw attention to it (a blind man could see it the way it is now)
Paint it camoflauge - of course the desert colors since I don't have green grass
Light it on fire - and do the rain dance in hopes of turning my backyard green OR the fire department will show up and water my grass for me (only after it caught fire of course)


Wife of a Madman

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Cleaning an 8 year olds bedroom

My daughter Amber thinks she is a princess........ by the looks of her room she is the princess of a hazmat swamp. My other daughter is the princess of darkness (most of her posters say things like: "THE STUPID FACTORY - Where boys are made"). I wish she felt that way since she is almost 16 years old........

Anyway, Amber is off to girlscout camp for a funfilled week of playing with kids her own age (and hopefully not torturing the camp counselors). So I decided it was time to clean her room. Amber has a "thing" for rocks, I didn't realize how big this thing was until I found half of my rock garden piled in her closet - yes folks, she xeriscaped her closet with my front yard.......

I also found many unidentifiable sticky substances, picked up a pink barbie container that exploded in a cloud of pink glittery powder, once the air cleared and I could see the exit I made a dive for it over the 3 trash bags of stuffed animals that were each covered in lipstick and eye shadow. My daughter is Tammy Faye Bakers future make-up artist.

After seeing my barbie pink, glittery face and hair, I decided I was going back in to attack her room. I went in slowly not knowing what was going to attack next - - little did I know that all of the tiny barbie accessories (tiny shoes, hairbrushes and purses) were weapons. So after a brief attempt to continue in my cleaning adventure in Princess Has too Muches room I had to retreat yet again, this time to the first aid kit to find the tweezers to pick a barbie high heel out of my foot, cover it with a bandaid and continue my mission.

After 5 long hours of work it looks the same as when I started but there are 3 lawn and leaf bags full of trash, I have only just scratched the surface....

If I survive this mission I will post more, If I do not please tell my princesses that I went to battle in Princess Has too Muches territory and fought my hardest, hopefully the Princess of Darkness will understand........

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Bonding time in Juvenile Penal Court

Mallory and I decided to spend the day together, enjoying each others presence and the Lakewood Police Department and Court center..... After a few mintes of being there and seeing the other kids and their scary parents, I think she is happy to have Ron and I. We observed that many of the kids were already on probation for other offenses and some of the parents were actually wearing those ankle bracelet things. Some parents were stoic, others crying, others laughing hysterically at the charges their kids committed (most of them were serious). Mallory and I just sat silent, waiting our turn to find out what this deck of jacked up cards is dealing us. She is scared, I am lost and together in that crowd, for once, we looked.......normal.

OK so today was Mallory's court date and after hearing that she would have to be in the Juvenile Diversion Program (Probation) for 1 year, 200 hours community service and $1,000 fine for pleading GUILTY, we decided that we needed to plead NOT GUILTY.

After talking with the DA, she said that if Mallory plead NOT GUILTY that they will go through a pre-discovery phase in which the prosecutors office will talk to the officer as to why he felt the need to write a ticket for deadly weapons given that it was a bottle tossed only 5 or so feet.

I also paid to have access to all documents related to the case and received what the police officer wrote about Mallory on the back of his copy of the ticket. Everything checks out - she had a good attitude, was cooperative and polite and told him that tossing it was stupid and that she was sorry.


So now it goes to trial on July 26th, we either have to get an attorney or have Mallory represent herself (that would be interesting.... "Like, I was being on the LD your sir, like I kinda did it, like I don't know why")

Anyway - so we are looking for an attorney just to talk to about it since we only have 1 paragraph of document and a trial, I am not sure we want to retain one...... not even sure how much it would cost for something this pathetic...

It has been a rough day - Amber played Volleyball and did GREAT!!!! Time to rest!!!!!

Sunday, June 10, 2007


Ambers Birthday Cake

Amber playing in a tub of water in 30 degree weather, when I asked her if she was cold she said "NO MOM, I am farting to keep the water warm"

This is a picture of our culdesac party - you can actually see the orange balloon streaking through the air (No it isn't an Orb of a dead person)

Ambers Big Birthday Bash

We had SO much fun with Amber at her party! Some of her friends from her class showed up (which is a first). We had some face paint markers that were a big hit. The adults drew on their own faces with no mirror - by the end of it the adults looked like we belonged to a tribe and the kids didn't have any face paint on them.

We decided to share the face paints with this kids and by the end of the party we made a startling discovery - the face paint is not as washable as the package claimed..... So even after washing our faces some of us looked jaundiced from the yellow marker, burned from the red marker, dirty from the brown marker, bruised from the black marker, sick from the green marker and those unfortunate enough to use the blue marker looked like walking corpses........

Needless to say when the parents came to pick up their multi color tinged children, I think they were a little scared and dismayed.

Then came the water baloon toss and water fight........... Everyone had fun but I kept an eye out for the police since Mallory already has a charge for throwing a "missile" I didn't want the rest of us to get tickets as well :)

We decided to have an impromtu block party complete with food, s'mores, a fire building contest and more.

We have some extremely picky neighbors with no children that seemed a little upset at the mess being made in the culdesac with remenants of baloons, sidewalk chalk, fireworks corpses and wood shavings but they are so damn dumb we told them that it was "National mess up your culdesac day" and they beleived us!

Thank you to everyone that came and made Ambers 9th birthday special!!!!!! Also thank you to those of you that didn't take it personally when Amber whined about no money in the cards, threw the presents and took more than 3 prompts from us to say thank you.......... Isn't she cute???!?!?!?!?!?

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Scenic PO'd Car Ride and Scary Neighbors

Well, Ron and I got up early this morning (12:30 in the afternoon) and decided that since we didn't have the kids we would go for a scenic drive...... It was scenic all right!

It is easy to take in the scenery when your car is having a bad day and refusing to go more than 10mph up hill.... Yes folks, we were those awful people going up a mountain road that your grandma flips off for going too slow....

Imagine - we are driving our TURBO volvo on a two lane road going 10mph...... Of course maybe since the car has misbehaved we could change the word TURBO on the back of the car to TURDO......

I love my car dearly and apparently it want another sensor - the problem is the throttle position sensor....... The strangest part of this problem is that the car has alzheimers and forgets about its wounded sensor until we are on a two lane road in the mountains...... The check engine light goes off when you restart the car.........

We were at least wishing we had blue colored wigs so that people could try to understand that we were old, but we didn't... So we lit another cigarette in hopes that the car would look like Cheech and Chong - at least then people would see all the smoke coming out and think we were high, which is far better than being thought that you are super old or just an asshole......

Anyway - the car shaped up and we drove to a beautiful scenic area to go over a pass that is closed for 2 weeks (Yet again another National Lampoons moment)... We turned around and had a nice picnic next to a beaver pond...

We got home and some lady and her kid came to the door, I could vaguely recall her face and she informed me that she came by a couple of years ago on Halloween (I am thinking - DUH, that's what people do on Halloween). She informs me that she has come by my house a couple of times and we were not home and she sees us out front a lot and wanted to invite us over for s'mores.

After she leaves Ron and I decide that we are uncomfortable with our new stalker friend and wish not to go eat what might be poisened s'mores from the strange lady with the wandering eye down the block..... but we need a cover story as to why we couldn't make it since after all........she might be watching.

We decide to go have pizza to make the story plausible that we had to go somewhere. Although I half expected to find this woman and her demon child on the front porch when I got home, we were safe - ran into the house, turned off the lights, closed the curtains and hid...........

Yes we might be paranoid but we don't like new people, that's why we keep the same friends we had when we were 20 (OH...... and because they are cool).