First and foremost - we would like to extend our heartfelt thank you to each and every one of you. We have not had time to call and personally talk with each of you - but given the time you are all on our list. We are so overwhelmed by the amount of help and support has been offered - it is amazing; we feel so fortunate.
In our time of need - our support system was shown and we still cannot believe the amount of love and kindness in the world from our closest friends, our extended family and even people we barely know. I found one supportive lady at the laundrymat when I was washing 24 loads of Mallory's clothes before she came home. Strange how good people show up out of nowhere when we need them.
Mallory is home and adjusting to her restrictions. She has been surprised at everything that is gone from her room, after we removed everything goth, dark, reference to suicide, reference to depression or just inappropriate in general - there wasn't much. We are asking ourselves why we allowed all of it to begin with... Unknowingly assisting her in slipping to what she calls the dark side.
We have decided with Amber that pink and yellow are the only colors allowed :)
Ron has arranged to work partially from home and his sister has been very kind in offering to hire Mallory part-time during the day to keep her occupied, supervised and allow her to save for a car, since Ron and I are selling hers to pay the medical bills.
We have had other rough developments that I will explain later in regards to Barry - tragic mistakes can lead to a lifetime of consequences...
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Recovery and Thanks
To all that have shown us love and support:
We cannot thank everyone enough for:
Things we appreciate and tend to get short tempered about (Not meant to sound bitchy):
In our world of hopeless health insurance they will not approve Mallory going into the 8 week residential treatment until (unless) she "fails" at intensive outpatient therapy - hopefully this time it will not end with additional permanent damage or death.
Mallory's restrictions when she comes home as set by her Doctor and Social Worker:
Mallorys treatment:
Mallory will go to Individual Therapy for 1 hour per week
Mallory will get 6 hours of Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will get 3 hours per week of Family Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will have random UA's and BA's to monitor her sobriety
And all of this will take place in Louisville Colorado (Over an hour away from home).
How do we plan to manage all of this? Ron is asking work if he can work from home for 12 weeks. Family and friends are working toward having Mallory stay with them during the day here and there (She can work for free and be helpful around the house...), Her Dad is also willing to take her to work with him (unless it is at a construction site-for god sakes).
Mallory's car will be sold to pay all of the medical bills which are already mounting. Not counting her upcoming treatment which will cost approximately $1,000+ per month.
Life as we knew it will be much different now - but if it saves our baby's life - it is worth more than anything in this world. Oh - and as we said everything has changed we even shaved her cat!!
We look forward to Mallory's progression and will never seek to find perfection...
We love you all!
Coni, Ron, Mallory, Amber, Tyler and Barry
We cannot thank everyone enough for:
- The love and kindness
- The understanding without judgment
- The meals and hugs
- The babysitting & helping Amber and Tyler understand that we didn't all desert them
- The kind comments that made us feel not alone
Things we appreciate and tend to get short tempered about (Not meant to sound bitchy):
- People not saying "it was a cry for help" because it wasn't - she was ready to die...
- People not telling us that her liver will heal - because it can't... this is progressive damage
- Advice, right now we are following the professionals advice as they have dealt and learned from thousands of adolescents, if that doesn't work we will ask for advice...
- People not saying that it was "just" pot - she has an uncontrollable addiction that led her to feel depressed and hopeless. If it wasn't pot it would have been something else. She has been putting the "pot band aid" on her wounds of depression.
In our world of hopeless health insurance they will not approve Mallory going into the 8 week residential treatment until (unless) she "fails" at intensive outpatient therapy - hopefully this time it will not end with additional permanent damage or death.
Mallory's restrictions when she comes home as set by her Doctor and Social Worker:
- No cell phone (for at least 6 months and even then; no texting)
- No Computer access without a parent actually watching (no MySpace, Facebook etc.)
- No friends over without parents in the room
- No phone calls without parents in the room
- She cannot leave the house without parents or be left anywhere without sober responsible adults.
Mallorys treatment:
Mallory will go to Individual Therapy for 1 hour per week
Mallory will get 6 hours of Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will get 3 hours per week of Family Substance Abuse Treatment per week
Mallory will have random UA's and BA's to monitor her sobriety
And all of this will take place in Louisville Colorado (Over an hour away from home).
How do we plan to manage all of this? Ron is asking work if he can work from home for 12 weeks. Family and friends are working toward having Mallory stay with them during the day here and there (She can work for free and be helpful around the house...), Her Dad is also willing to take her to work with him (unless it is at a construction site-for god sakes).
Mallory's car will be sold to pay all of the medical bills which are already mounting. Not counting her upcoming treatment which will cost approximately $1,000+ per month.
Life as we knew it will be much different now - but if it saves our baby's life - it is worth more than anything in this world. Oh - and as we said everything has changed we even shaved her cat!!
We look forward to Mallory's progression and will never seek to find perfection...
We love you all!
Coni, Ron, Mallory, Amber, Tyler and Barry
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I almost lost my baby...
For those of you that do not know - we almost lost Mallory the other night. She has been in the hospital all weekend after taking 11,000mg of tylenol. She didn't tell us she did it until about 8 hours after at which time she was gray weak and her skin was pasty... she was on her way to leaving us... It took many attempts to find out what was wrong with her and then when she told us - our world collapsed...
We got her to Swedish hospital at which time her pulse was averaging 40-48 beats per minute and her blood pressure was 80/40... again...... she was on her way... She had lost so much fluid that they were going to attempt an IV in her foot, but then got one into her arm. Unfortunately they had to run 2 IV lines at the same time - so in all she got 7 attempts and IV's this weekend.
She was transferred today to a psychiatric hospital in Louisville. She is on an involuntary hold - which means even as her parents - we can't bring her home.
We will be having her liver tested a lot in the next few weeks as her levels of enzymes are not right - they should be about 35 and hers are 90 (climbing from what they were yesterday - which is BAD). The bad news - if her liver continues to degenerate - there is nothing they can do... Which is the saddest part of all.
One of the saddest aspects of this is that she text-messaged 2 of her friends before taking the pills to say "good-bye, I love you and I am sorry, I am gonna die" - Both friends replied with "K"... Unbelievable! They came to see her at the hospital and I gave them an earful.
We are hoping for the best, but reality is reminding us to expect the worst.
I love you all so much - thank you for your support right now. I hope that we can help her live long enough to get through her teenage years.
We got her to Swedish hospital at which time her pulse was averaging 40-48 beats per minute and her blood pressure was 80/40... again...... she was on her way... She had lost so much fluid that they were going to attempt an IV in her foot, but then got one into her arm. Unfortunately they had to run 2 IV lines at the same time - so in all she got 7 attempts and IV's this weekend.
She was transferred today to a psychiatric hospital in Louisville. She is on an involuntary hold - which means even as her parents - we can't bring her home.
We will be having her liver tested a lot in the next few weeks as her levels of enzymes are not right - they should be about 35 and hers are 90 (climbing from what they were yesterday - which is BAD). The bad news - if her liver continues to degenerate - there is nothing they can do... Which is the saddest part of all.
One of the saddest aspects of this is that she text-messaged 2 of her friends before taking the pills to say "good-bye, I love you and I am sorry, I am gonna die" - Both friends replied with "K"... Unbelievable! They came to see her at the hospital and I gave them an earful.
We are hoping for the best, but reality is reminding us to expect the worst.
I love you all so much - thank you for your support right now. I hope that we can help her live long enough to get through her teenage years.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Trannis, Limits and Kids
I love birthdays - they are a great excuse to see and talk to people that you love and miss!!
Update on the adults (or so we are called)
Ron - Ron has been working hard on his truck - He is so amazing!!! He changed out his transmission in his truck last weekend in 5 hours (by himself)... It kind of pissed me off because the last time I took a car to the shop for a transmission it took them a week and they charged me for 30 hours of labor (Oh and like $1,600). It is so exciting to see his project truck change like a transformer!
Me - Well, I hit my limit!! 22 hours awake in a 24 hour day does horrible things to your body and your brain... I was trying to drive home from work and I COULDN'T keep the car in the lane no matter how hard I tried. I was crying from exhaustion and pulled over to make a call that I HAD to make that morning and when they asked me for my phone number I couldn't remember it. I had drank so much coffee that I was shaking and it took me 3 tries to dial the phone. I made it most of the way home and realized I had missed to street to get to my house, so I turned at the next street right in front of a car... Luckily I made it home safe, slept and still have only regained limited functioning... THAT is what I call "Hitting your limit" or "Having your limit hit you".
The kids -
Amber - she is such a doll, she got another 5 green behavior cards at school this week, I am guessing due to one of the following:
She has worked really hard to stay out of trouble
The medication she is on is really working well
or
The fact that she has a substitute teacher that doesn't know about the behavior card system...
I am also wondering when Amber will get a sense of style if any. She is defying the odds of the color wheel in every way possible. Either she goes to school wearing Mallory's clothes which makes her look like the little girl off of the move Little Miss Sunshine OR she looks like a homeless kid with layers of clothes that don't match (I am talking like mint green, red and electric blue). In addition, we can't convince her to wear a bra and her little buds are shining through her clothes. We decided that working on her wearing deodorant was more of a priority than the bra since she smells like a busy day at the gym most of the time.
Mallory - she is doing so well, we have had a great week. She has been keeping herself in control and it feels like there is a new "aura" in the house... I find it amazing that just one person in the house improving their attitude can do for everyone!
Tyler - he is so quiet and sweet. It is hard for us sometimes because he prefers to spend time alone.... We are trying to get him more involved in the family but he just kind of goes his own way. Ideas?
Update on the adults (or so we are called)
Ron - Ron has been working hard on his truck - He is so amazing!!! He changed out his transmission in his truck last weekend in 5 hours (by himself)... It kind of pissed me off because the last time I took a car to the shop for a transmission it took them a week and they charged me for 30 hours of labor (Oh and like $1,600). It is so exciting to see his project truck change like a transformer!
Me - Well, I hit my limit!! 22 hours awake in a 24 hour day does horrible things to your body and your brain... I was trying to drive home from work and I COULDN'T keep the car in the lane no matter how hard I tried. I was crying from exhaustion and pulled over to make a call that I HAD to make that morning and when they asked me for my phone number I couldn't remember it. I had drank so much coffee that I was shaking and it took me 3 tries to dial the phone. I made it most of the way home and realized I had missed to street to get to my house, so I turned at the next street right in front of a car... Luckily I made it home safe, slept and still have only regained limited functioning... THAT is what I call "Hitting your limit" or "Having your limit hit you".
The kids -
Amber - she is such a doll, she got another 5 green behavior cards at school this week, I am guessing due to one of the following:
She has worked really hard to stay out of trouble
The medication she is on is really working well
or
The fact that she has a substitute teacher that doesn't know about the behavior card system...
I am also wondering when Amber will get a sense of style if any. She is defying the odds of the color wheel in every way possible. Either she goes to school wearing Mallory's clothes which makes her look like the little girl off of the move Little Miss Sunshine OR she looks like a homeless kid with layers of clothes that don't match (I am talking like mint green, red and electric blue). In addition, we can't convince her to wear a bra and her little buds are shining through her clothes. We decided that working on her wearing deodorant was more of a priority than the bra since she smells like a busy day at the gym most of the time.
Mallory - she is doing so well, we have had a great week. She has been keeping herself in control and it feels like there is a new "aura" in the house... I find it amazing that just one person in the house improving their attitude can do for everyone!
Tyler - he is so quiet and sweet. It is hard for us sometimes because he prefers to spend time alone.... We are trying to get him more involved in the family but he just kind of goes his own way. Ideas?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Hannah Montana & Groundings
Today has been an interesting day...
I woke up at 9:00am on a Sunday to take Amber to see Hannah Montana in the theaters. I really thought that it would rank right up there with getting a colonic. It was in 3-D and yes, it was annoying and terrible.... However, seeing Amber jumping up and down giggling and screaming was worth every bit of the pain and torture (and the $30 the tickets cost - plus $12 in popcorn and a bucket of soda). What a sight, she was SO excited...
Right now I am sitting here listening to torture; no not Hannah Montana - Mallory screaming and crying because she is sick of being grounded. It is a four day weekend for her and she is miserable... God I hate being a mom sometimes. Of course, we never believed our parents when they said that grounding us hurt them as much as it did us...... now we know; grounding does hurt us as parents.
I am going to get to escape to work in the next 2 hours and I can't wait. The pain of listening to her cry is unbearable.
I woke up at 9:00am on a Sunday to take Amber to see Hannah Montana in the theaters. I really thought that it would rank right up there with getting a colonic. It was in 3-D and yes, it was annoying and terrible.... However, seeing Amber jumping up and down giggling and screaming was worth every bit of the pain and torture (and the $30 the tickets cost - plus $12 in popcorn and a bucket of soda). What a sight, she was SO excited...
Right now I am sitting here listening to torture; no not Hannah Montana - Mallory screaming and crying because she is sick of being grounded. It is a four day weekend for her and she is miserable... God I hate being a mom sometimes. Of course, we never believed our parents when they said that grounding us hurt them as much as it did us...... now we know; grounding does hurt us as parents.
I am going to get to escape to work in the next 2 hours and I can't wait. The pain of listening to her cry is unbearable.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Mallory's baby brother was born....
So an update to my last post. Mallory has 3 little siblings (possibly more that were adopted out years ago as she was).
She has 2 brothers - one was born yesterday...
She also has a sister
They are all under the age of 5.
I am feeling a little better - Mally was on cloud nine, I am still nervous that she is going to get hurt...
She has 2 brothers - one was born yesterday...
She also has a sister
They are all under the age of 5.
I am feeling a little better - Mally was on cloud nine, I am still nervous that she is going to get hurt...
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hmmm why am I upset?
I am sitting here and I feel uncomfortable.... Mallory is talking to her father (yes - Jason her biological father) on the phone in the room next to me.
I have always wanted her to be content in the "dad" department. I just worry that she will be disappointed. I was so crushed when Barry left and she was lonely and abandoned. When Ron came back into the picture she displayed some hope that not all "dad's" are bad... Ron is wonderful to her but she has always been searching for that "real dad".
Jason is a great guy - he actually wouldn't talk to her until he talked to me to make sure that I was ok with it. He also wanted to respect my wishes since he had signed away all rights. He sounds like he is doing well in life (married, kids etc.).
What is strange to me is that Mallory has siblings out there (a lot of them) that she doesn't know. It never really crossed my mind that she has brothers and sisters other than Amber.
I think what it comes down to is............................ I don't share well.
Not really an interesting blog - but I do feel better. Thanks for reading.
Coni
I have always wanted her to be content in the "dad" department. I just worry that she will be disappointed. I was so crushed when Barry left and she was lonely and abandoned. When Ron came back into the picture she displayed some hope that not all "dad's" are bad... Ron is wonderful to her but she has always been searching for that "real dad".
Jason is a great guy - he actually wouldn't talk to her until he talked to me to make sure that I was ok with it. He also wanted to respect my wishes since he had signed away all rights. He sounds like he is doing well in life (married, kids etc.).
What is strange to me is that Mallory has siblings out there (a lot of them) that she doesn't know. It never really crossed my mind that she has brothers and sisters other than Amber.
I think what it comes down to is............................ I don't share well.
Not really an interesting blog - but I do feel better. Thanks for reading.
Coni
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Brain Purge
So it has been a while since I last posted... The reason - I didn't put it on my schedule.
I have found that my brain is purging everything that is not a part of survival, such as:
Blogging to update my friends
Passwords to everything I need
Showering
and - I can't remember if there is anything else
Yes, it is true - I am not quite sure of the last time I showered because I am not even sure what day it is... Yesterday I slept for a whole 3 hours of a 24 hour day... I am seeing wrinkles that I don't think were there a month ago, black bags under my eyes that are making me look like a raccoon and children that I can't remember if they are mine.
The good news is - I only have another 11 months of this before I can move on with my life, get to know my kids again and possibly get a face lift to repair the damage of this year...
What I find truly amazing is that when you don't have any time, you inevitably are able to find time for those things important to you (obviously showering is not very important to me - although I think those around me disagree with my priorities). I have seen my friends in town more, called more people that I know and I think it is because I am so frantically fearful that I will lose touch with the world. Did any of you know there was a tornado in Tennessee?? I didn't... I guess news is not important anymore either.
Here is what I "think" is happening with my family in the last couple of weeks:
Amber - she is learning life lessons on how to behave properly by watching other children's behavior and trying to reproduce it... surprisingly she is doing well with this.
Mallory - she is doing VERY well. Things got rough for her and she is picking herself up off the ground, dusting off the dirt, healing the bruises and moving on with life. I have high hopes for her abilities. She has signed up for Warren Tech to learn how to be a something I can't spell but it has to do with skincare... She is doing really well at work and even picked up an extra shift when someone called in sick. This is something that most teenagers don't sign up for - extra work!!
Tyler - Tyler was sick and was grounded to "staying home from school". He really wanted to go to school but with much protest he agreed to stay home and vomit...
Ron - oh Ron... he is trying so hard to keep up with his life at work, at home, as a husband, a parent, a computer programmer, a mechanic, oh and did I mention a parent. He has taken on so much of the duties that I cannot do and he is doing an incredible job. He is enjoying playing with his new motor from a Lexus that he is putting into his 4runner. Oh and he is soon to be quitting smoking amidst all of this....
That is all for now - I love and miss you all... I will be paroled from my internship in 11 months and hopefully I will still remember all of your names. Bye for now.
I have found that my brain is purging everything that is not a part of survival, such as:
Blogging to update my friends
Passwords to everything I need
Showering
and - I can't remember if there is anything else
Yes, it is true - I am not quite sure of the last time I showered because I am not even sure what day it is... Yesterday I slept for a whole 3 hours of a 24 hour day... I am seeing wrinkles that I don't think were there a month ago, black bags under my eyes that are making me look like a raccoon and children that I can't remember if they are mine.
The good news is - I only have another 11 months of this before I can move on with my life, get to know my kids again and possibly get a face lift to repair the damage of this year...
What I find truly amazing is that when you don't have any time, you inevitably are able to find time for those things important to you (obviously showering is not very important to me - although I think those around me disagree with my priorities). I have seen my friends in town more, called more people that I know and I think it is because I am so frantically fearful that I will lose touch with the world. Did any of you know there was a tornado in Tennessee?? I didn't... I guess news is not important anymore either.
Here is what I "think" is happening with my family in the last couple of weeks:
Amber - she is learning life lessons on how to behave properly by watching other children's behavior and trying to reproduce it... surprisingly she is doing well with this.
Mallory - she is doing VERY well. Things got rough for her and she is picking herself up off the ground, dusting off the dirt, healing the bruises and moving on with life. I have high hopes for her abilities. She has signed up for Warren Tech to learn how to be a something I can't spell but it has to do with skincare... She is doing really well at work and even picked up an extra shift when someone called in sick. This is something that most teenagers don't sign up for - extra work!!
Tyler - Tyler was sick and was grounded to "staying home from school". He really wanted to go to school but with much protest he agreed to stay home and vomit...
Ron - oh Ron... he is trying so hard to keep up with his life at work, at home, as a husband, a parent, a computer programmer, a mechanic, oh and did I mention a parent. He has taken on so much of the duties that I cannot do and he is doing an incredible job. He is enjoying playing with his new motor from a Lexus that he is putting into his 4runner. Oh and he is soon to be quitting smoking amidst all of this....
That is all for now - I love and miss you all... I will be paroled from my internship in 11 months and hopefully I will still remember all of your names. Bye for now.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Hell week/sad death/ACT Tests
This last week has been challenging. I worked 16 hours straight (was supposed to be 20, but I couldn't make it); I don't remember driving home but the only damage was that I drove over the flagstone in the front yard when I got home. It took a couple of days to recover, but I survived.
Sad news... My ex-husband Barry (Ambers Dad), his brother Greg died yesterday. Greg was a great guy always independent and successful. In the last few years things became tough. He couldn't handle how unforgiving and tough life could be. It is suspected that he accidentally ended his young life yesterday afternoon trying to numb the pain of misfortune. Please take a moment to send heartfelt thoughts to his 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son and his wonderful wife of many years.
This situation is so similar to many in this world; this is yet another reason I chose to go into the mental health field. I only wish that more people had the courage to get help.
Update on Mallory - so we have always talked about college with Mallory until about 6 years ago when I got called into her therapists office and asked to quit talking about it "Mallory is NOT interested in going to college". We were crushed and the only bright side we could see in it all is that we could use her college money to build an addition on the house - ensuring that she will have a place to live since without college she probably wouldn't be able to afford a place of her own.
Last week Mallory asked if I could look at the Metro State website to see what the admission requirements were (I assumed that she was asking for a friend). She then saw what the ACT/SAT scores need to be in accordance with GPA. It was one of "those" moments....... she looked at me and said "Mom, I need to get my grades up and get a study book for the ACT/SAT". It was every parents dream - that moment when your child makes an adult decision that you want them to make, but each time you bring it up, they are pushed further for it. I asked her what changed her mind and she said "Well, I can't live on minimum wage now can I?"
I went and bought her the book to study from and got that "I have a masters degree" attitude and sat down to read the questions in the book....... Oh my, we forget a lot...... I effectively answered about 10 questions out of 50 (and I guessing on 6 of them)...
We also need to some good thoughts sent Mallory's way - on Thursday she is having $1,900 in oral surgery done... She is getting 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed and some procedure to encourage her stubborn 12 year molar to make an appearance.... Yeah, I did say $1,900...
Talk to you all soon.
Sad news... My ex-husband Barry (Ambers Dad), his brother Greg died yesterday. Greg was a great guy always independent and successful. In the last few years things became tough. He couldn't handle how unforgiving and tough life could be. It is suspected that he accidentally ended his young life yesterday afternoon trying to numb the pain of misfortune. Please take a moment to send heartfelt thoughts to his 12 year old daughter and 8 year old son and his wonderful wife of many years.
This situation is so similar to many in this world; this is yet another reason I chose to go into the mental health field. I only wish that more people had the courage to get help.
Update on Mallory - so we have always talked about college with Mallory until about 6 years ago when I got called into her therapists office and asked to quit talking about it "Mallory is NOT interested in going to college". We were crushed and the only bright side we could see in it all is that we could use her college money to build an addition on the house - ensuring that she will have a place to live since without college she probably wouldn't be able to afford a place of her own.
Last week Mallory asked if I could look at the Metro State website to see what the admission requirements were (I assumed that she was asking for a friend). She then saw what the ACT/SAT scores need to be in accordance with GPA. It was one of "those" moments....... she looked at me and said "Mom, I need to get my grades up and get a study book for the ACT/SAT". It was every parents dream - that moment when your child makes an adult decision that you want them to make, but each time you bring it up, they are pushed further for it. I asked her what changed her mind and she said "Well, I can't live on minimum wage now can I?"
I went and bought her the book to study from and got that "I have a masters degree" attitude and sat down to read the questions in the book....... Oh my, we forget a lot...... I effectively answered about 10 questions out of 50 (and I guessing on 6 of them)...
We also need to some good thoughts sent Mallory's way - on Thursday she is having $1,900 in oral surgery done... She is getting 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed and some procedure to encourage her stubborn 12 year molar to make an appearance.... Yeah, I did say $1,900...
Talk to you all soon.
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